


Every Moment Lost

by Sasha713



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-12
Updated: 2011-06-12
Packaged: 2017-10-20 08:37:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasha713/pseuds/Sasha713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What he would endure to save her life...</p><p>Time travel story. Some time in season 8. I think this is classed as Dark!Fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Moment Lost

**  
Every Moment Lost  
**

 **  
Present  
**

His hands shook. Eyes blurred with unshed tears as he stumbled into the office, hands and green garrison jacket smeared with dark blood. Grief radiated outwards as he slumped against the desk, reaching almost blindly towards the glinting silver device sitting innocently on the surface, his whole focus on placing the object over his hand, willing it to life.

“Jack!” He turned to see Daniel skid around the corner, coming at the still open doorway. Jack turned back to the device, rushing now to make it work. Uniformed men lay in his wake outside in the halls, casualties of his unexpected attack as he had moved intently towards this room.

He felt the device activate and he closed his eyes, repeating his destination in his head. To somewhere before this moment, too locked in with his grief to think of anything but going _back_. Sightless blue eyes threatened to stall his resolve and he closed his eyes tighter, blocking the thought out.

It wouldn’t leave. Her eyes taunting him. Dulling in death, her face slackening as the last beat of life left her limp body.

“We don’t know how much time it will take off!” Daniel yelled from somewhere behind him, closer now. “Jack...!”

His voice faded as he felt his body being catapulted through time, drawing him out of himself, like he was in an elevator that was falling at a speed greater than was safe.

Black weightlessness pressed upon him, breathing growing difficult and he was left with only his thoughts as images flashed behind his lids. Memories. Time stilled, his chest hurting with the pain, still feeling her blood coating his hands. Soul scared with the feeling of her loss.

 _“I love you...”_ she whispered, pain and regret deeply imbedded in her eyes, blood slipping past her lips, trailing across her jaw.

“ _No...Carter...Sam...Come on don’t do this...SAM!”_ He jolted back into himself, the next moments after that one clear in his mind. Cradling her to him. Wishing for a resolution. Thinking of the device that SG1 had just found on a distant planet.

An Ancient time travel device.

He felt like he was falling, and suddenly he felt the ground under his feet.

He opened his eyes, disoriented as he found himself in the hallway outside her lab. He looked down, finding his clothing was no longer marred by the smears of her blood, his hands no longer soaked with congealing crimson. Daniel was asking him something...

And the device was gone...

 

 

 _  
 **  
6 hours earlier  
**  
_

He gazed down at the ramp from the control room, hands tucked into the pockets of his requisite BDU’s, watching like he always did, a constant vigil over the teams coming and going off world. SG1 trailing down the ramp, seeming to be in good spirits despite the fatigue clear in their movements.

The wormhole disengaged and he moved from his position towards the stairs up to his office.

Maybe they had found what they needed this time.

Barely minutes later, they trailed up the stairs, coming into the briefing room, the two scientists grinning.

“I take it from the smiles that you guys found something on P3X...” he waved his hand around for a moment, trying to think of the designation.

“763.” Daniel suggested with a raised brow.

“Yes. That’s the one.” He replied, acting as if he had known that all along.

“Yes, we found something. As you know, P3X-763 was found from the repository of knowledge...”

“When I went all ancienty?” He interrupted, taking a seat at the head of the table.

“Yes. The planet was for the most part completely uninhabited...”

“There were bugs.” Teal’c stated in that disapproving way, seeming to raise his brow higher than usual, disdain dripping from his words.

“Yes, there were lots of bugs.” Daniel agreed, seeming to be uninterested in that fact, obviously in a rush to discuss their find.

“We found what we believe is an Ancient device. The weird thing is that it actually came with instructions.” Daniel brandished his camera, watching him for a reaction.

“Instructions? Like _‘Insert object A into slot B’_?” Jack asked with a surprised eye-brow raise. How often did that happen?

“I think it was placed with the device as a warning. So people would know the history of the device and the side effects of using it. The first line actually reads _ **‘**_ _Vicis reverto. Vicis semotus.’_ Which translates as _‘Time returned. Time removed.’_ It’s in Ancient.”

“Which means what exactly?” he pushed when Daniel didn’t say anything for a moment, studying the device.

“Well, from what I have already gathered from my brief assessment of the ruins...I think it actually could be a device to go back in _time_.” Daniel paused a beat, waiting for that little nugget of information to sink in.

Jack sat back abruptly. “Time travel? _Again?_ What was with these Ancients? Why couldn’t they just keep it in the present?” He asked, almost to himself, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer.

“I want to finish the translation...” Daniel began, clearly enthused by the prospect of burying himself in yet another Ancient translation.

“Then I want to study the device to determine...” Carter began to say, but he had the feeling that if he didn’t cut her off, she would techno-babble him to death.

“Carter...when you determine whatever it is that you _want_ to determine, you can tell me...until then... I don’t think a Time Travel device will help us in the present, do you?” He asked with a raised brow.

“No Sir.” She responded predictably.

“Keep me updated.” Jack said, ending the meeting, getting to his feet and going back within his office to the wonderful array of paperwork that was waiting there for him....

***********************************************************************************

 

Hours later, Jack walked into Daniel’s over packed office, the musty smell of the room never diminishing. He barely took in the tablets and books, there for one reason only.

“Jack...we’ve been waiting for you.” Daniel said, his brow furrowing as he stood up from his desk, moving around the middle bench where Carter sat examining the device.

“Yes well, It’s not always easy being _‘The Man’_ ” he said with a sigh.

“What have you got?” he asked, changing the subject, targeting the question at Carter.

“It’s a device that actually successfully does what the Time Loop device on PX9-757 was supposed to achieve...just a smaller more versatile version.” She began to explain.

Jack looked at the device that seemed to fit perfectly over the wearers hand like a metal glove, close to the design of the hand device the goa’uld used, just less aggressive looking....and less _gold_.

It was a smooth silver with blue outlining it. For some reason Jack thought it looked like the good guy version of the Goa’uld hand device, just without the fingers.

“Carter, if I start reliving this day, I am soooo putting you on report.” He threatened lightly, not even looking at his second in command while he looked at the device that Daniel took from Carter like a treasure. A volatile treasure.

“Yes Sir.” A slightly hidden smile could be heard in her voice.

“The device is more controlled but it’s only designed for one or maybe two users at a time. I’m guessing when they tried to make the device bigger, it became flawed. The larger device couldn’t handle the broader target range.” She stated it as if it was obvious.

“Personal time travel...Cool.” he said, thinking the idea could have merit.

“There’s a side effect.” Daniel stated bluntly.

“Isn’t there _always_?” Daniel ignored him, talking on as if he hadn’t said anything at all.

“For every moment you ‘rewind’... it takes moments or even years off your life.”

“It prematurely ages the user.” Carter reiterated Daniel’s explanation.

“Premature? One word a man hates hearing.” Jack said looking down and reaching for a pen that sat balanced on the corner of Daniel’s chaotic desk. When he heard nothing from the two scientists, he looked up to find them both looking at him as if stumped.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Daniel replied, shaking his head and turning his attention back to the device, raising his brows “Anyway...”

“I say we slap a _‘do-not-use’_ sticker on that sucker and be done with it...” He motioned to the device, not sure he wanted to have anyone touching that thing let alone using it. What sort of trouble could that thing bring them if someone nefarious got their hands on it? What if some Goa’uld had found the device...

He shuddered at the thought.

“Maybe if I had some time with the device. Just...see what I can determine from a physical examination...”

“It’s a _‘time machine’_ Carter.” Jack said, using air quotes. “Aren’t you always saying that you shouldn’t _futz_ with time? And...space...”

“Well yes Sir, but I wouldn’t be _using_ the device...just...examining it.” She countered.

He assessed her, seeking some untruth in her expression. He found none.

“A week. Tops. Then it’s getting shipped out of here so some other geek can go crazy over it.” He allowed, leaving no room for any argument, a fact which she chose to ignore.

“A week? But Sir...”

“Aht! A week Carter. Take it or leave it.”  She nodded, although he knew she was disappointed.

“So how does it work?” he chanced asking, not sure he really wanted to know.

“Well...given that it’s of Ancient design, I’m guessing only an _ancient_ can activate it.” Both Daniel and Carter were looking at him hesitantly, on bated breath.

“I’m not touching it.” He said, putting his hands up. “Find some other guinea pig, I have a base to run.”

He walked out of Daniels office. Sam closed her mouth, her protest cut off by his sudden departure. She looked at Daniel who shrugged and rounded the desk. “I’ll have the complete translation for you as soon as possible.”

She nodded and left to work on her other project...

********************************************************************************

 

Jack pressed the button for level 19 a few hours later, sliding his hands into the pockets of his BDU’s as he waited for the doors to close.

At the last second, Daniel threw his arm into the gap, his hand full of creased papers. He hopped into the car and glanced up, seeming to be shocked at his presence there in the lift.

“Oh, hey Jack...I have those translations for Sam...” He said distractedly as the doors closed once more, the elevator jerking into motion.

“Already?” Jack asked distractedly, really not that interested in any translation. He’d had a moment free where his phone hadn’t been ringing and his desk had been devoid of paperwork, so he had gotten the hell out of his office before Walter could replenish his in box tray.

So here he was, in the elevator, seemingly on his way to see Carter. He didn’t really have a good reason. Maybe he could use Daniel.

“Yes...I’ve kind of perfected reading Ancient now. Kind of like reading a book to me.” He said with a quirk of a smile, an idea that the man obviously found somewhat amusing.

Jack said nothing, standing almost shoulder to shoulder with Daniel. Silence reigned between them, both having nothing worth saying. The only noise inside the booth was the slight crinkling of Daniel’s papers as he attempted to put them in some modicum of order.

The doors opened and Daniel jerked at the ding, before they both stepped out at the same time, moving down the corridor together.

“So, lunch after?” Daniel asked, breaking the silence. Jack glanced at him and raised a brow.

“You have to ask?” he questioned. Daniel shrugged as they approached Carter’s lab door.

The explosion took them both off guard, throwing them sideways as bits of debris rained out into the corridor. Jack lurched forward into the doorway, his arm coming up over his nose as smoke billowed towards him, the lab thick with it, burning his lungs.

“Carter!” he yelled as he heard Daniel sprint away, seconds later, the emergency sirens wailing throughout the level.

Despite the smoke and the red haze in the lab, he stepped inside, coughing as he moved towards the destroyed bench, seeing that it was completely fried.

“Carter...” He paused, squinting, his eyes catching on a tuft of blonde near the adjacent wall. Without thought, he rushed to her side, coming down beside her as she coughed, her head lolling to the side as she looked up at him, blood smeared on the side of her face.

“You’re okay. You’re going to be fine...” He reassured, looking up towards the doorway, willing the emergency crew to get here already. She reached up and gripped his shirt and he turned back to her as she coughed, blood blossoming on her bottom lip.

“Shit...Carter...listen to me...don’t...”

“Jack...” she murmured, her eyes panicked for a moment as her fingers loosened in the material of his shirt.

He laid her back onto the floor, seeing the blood soaking through her shirt, lifting it to find the wound. He yanked off his over shirt, pressing it down into her abdomen, desperate to do _something_.

“Stay with me Carter, that’s an order...” he said sternly, willing her to obey him this time like she did every other time.

“Cold...” she murmured, her energy seeming to wane. She was cold. Her skin like ice and panic swamped him, the shock of the moment jarring him.

“Don’t think about it Carter, you’re going to be fine.” He attempted to convince. She shook her head, and he knew that she knew he was full of shit. There was too much blood. Her body shaking from the loss, trembling under his hands, eyes dimming.

“ _I love you_...” She whispered brokenly, the regret clear, her eyes dulling as blood dribbled past her lips and across her cheek.

“No...Carter...Sam...Come on don’t do this...SAM _!”_ She fell limp as Daniel appeared at his side.

“Where the hell are the medics!” He yelled as he lifted Sam, trying to rouse her.

“Oh God...” Daniel murmured from behind him, reaching out to touch her, his fingers lifting her wrist as Jack slumped, his hand on her cheek, trying to wake her up, his fingers painting her pale skin crimson.

“She’s gone Jack....Sam is gone...” Daniel said, his thumb pressed to her pulse point.

 _‘The device...’_ his mind whispered. He knew what he had to do...

 

 **  
Present  
**

Disoriented from his travel backwards, he stood outside her lab, unable to think beyond the fact that he had come back and he would fix what he wasn’t ready to face. Her death. She wouldn’t die this time. Not like that.

He realised too late that he was back to the moment just before her lab had combusted. An explosion sent him careening sideways, slamming him into the wall. He didn’t let that stop him. He ran for her doorway, the burst of fire and smoke not halting his progress, the alarms sounding just like before.

Like before, he lifted his arm to cover his mouth, catching sight of her barely conscious form across the lab. He moved swiftly towards her, ignoring the bits of rubble on the floor and the smoke that billowed outwards from the lab desk.

“Carter...no...!” He crumpled to his knees at her side, sitting back and lifting her into his arms, trembling, the déjà vu feeling bringing tears to his eyes, the grief worse this time. He was supposed to come back and save her. Not watch her die again. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go!

Her eyes met his, teary and pained like before. She attempted to talk but he shushed her, unable to hear the words he knew she wanted to speak. She gripped onto his shirt, as if trying to tell him without words while he tried to stem the blood that was soaked through her black shirt. It was too late for that. He knew. She was cold. Shaking.

“Not again...please...” he pleaded brokenly as she slipped away, one last bubble of blood swelling from her parted lips before her fisted hand loosened and she fell limp in his embrace, the life fading from her eyes, now vacant. Empty. Again.

Those eyes would forever haunt him.

He laid her carefully back down to the floor, his only focus trying to make her comfortable, arranging her limbs methodically, unable to accept her death.

“I’ll make this right...” He promised softly, a secretive whisper just for her to hear, smoothing the hair back from her temple and cheek.

He stiffly got to his feet, glancing back at her once more. He would make this right. He had to.

***********************************************************************************

It was always the same.

Daniel following him, chasing him, trying to stop him from activating the device, yelling that they didn’t know what it would do him, how much time it would take from his life.

Once again, he ignored the archaeologist, placing the device over his hand and feeling the now familiar tugging on his body as he was ripped out into the vortex of time, propelled backwards through shifting images, pain radiating from the sensation.

He was cast back out, merging once more with his former self, within a body that did not know the searing heat of the flames, or the pain.

He fought the dizziness, the disorientation, his body moving, feet in momentum. He slowed, feeling his body adjust to being back here again, but then he realised he had barely come back early enough.

He lurched back into motion, sprinting for the doorway to her lab, only a few short metres away, feeling the twinge in his screwed knee, his leg weaker than the other. He caught himself at the doorway, eyes desperate as he scanned the room and found her in that same spot, working on the device that would kill her.

He saw her look up as if in slow motion, her face softening as she saw him there. He felt the moment of resignation as she looked back down, her eyes going wide as she attempted to defuse what had happened with the device sitting on her lab bench.

He had no idea what the device was, but he knew that it was the catalyst for the explosion he knew was to come. He heard his own voice echo back at him as he rushed to save her life, knowing already that he was once again too late.

The device exploded just as he reached her, his fingers grazing her arm, trying to grip her and pull her away, feeling the heat hit him as he was thrown sideways, away from her.

He woke up moments later, blood coating him once more, pain debilitating his whole being, sightless eyes staring back at him where he lay beside her motionless body, blood coating the left side of her face and hair. He reached out a bloodied hand, ignoring the heat of the fire in the lab, the smoke he was inhaling. His bloody, dirtied fingers touched her cheek and he didn’t realise until he felt her skin that he was crying silent tears, mixing with the blood on his face and slipping to the floor, pink drips on the concrete.

He couldn’t move, his whole body stiff with pain, his ribs aching, his eyes focused on the unseeing blue of hers.

This time he hadn’t had to watch her die. Hadn’t had to hear her stuttered admittance of love. No. This time he had missed all that and all he was left with was the loss and grief that piled on top of the previous grief he had felt last time he had lost her.

No thoughts entered his head. He was numb. His mind a blank besides the realisation that he had never seen her eyes look quite that colour blue before.

He slowly got up, in a daze, the alarms slowly breaking through his trance like state. Mechanically he got to his feet, his arm wrapped close to his chest out of instinct. He knew it was broken. He was broken. And not just physically.

It was like he was a kid at a fair, going back on the same ride even though it sickened him. He would use the device forever if he needed to. But he would damn well save her. He couldn’t let her die. Not like that. Not yet. It wasn’t time for her to leave him yet.

He couldn’t allow it. He was the General. He was in charge!

Without looking back, he walked stiffly from the room with just one intent.

Get the device again.

*******************************

He didn’t hesitate this time, keeping with the momentum as he merged with himself just outside the elevator, knowing that he had barely minutes to save her life. She was not dying again. She couldn’t.

He ran from Daniel’s side, barely hearing the younger man’s words, streaking down the hallway towards her lab, hearing nothing besides the ticking in his own head as he mentally counted the seconds until she would die again.

He speared into the lab, gripping the doorframe and propelling himself forward off the solid wall to move faster, ignoring her question.

He rushed to her side, dragging her backwards away from the device, shoving her away from him just as he felt the explosion at his back, throwing him forward and into her, both of them slamming into the wall and falling, his hand still tightly gripped around her upper arm, his body pressing hers into the concrete below them as they hit. He rolled with her, jamming her into the wall and covering her with his body as debris ricocheted off the wall just above them, smoke immediately surrounding them, the smell of burning searing his lungs.

He stayed there for a few moments, his arm shielding her head, almost scared to look down at her, fearing the worst, his eyes squeezed shut as he willed her to be alive. Willed her eyes to be cognizant. He couldn’t stand to see her face once more slackening with death.

Jack lifted himself from her, eyes darting over her form, seeing no obvious injuries. He leaned back and ran his hands over her, desperate to know that she wasn’t dead...again. He doubted he could handle it again.

He looked up slowly, his eyes meeting wide blue ones, watching him, lips parted as she looked over his head at the mess her lab had become.

“Oh my God...” She whispered, sitting up. He looked at her, seeing no blood soaking through the clothing she wore, seeing no blood seeping into her hair at her temple. She blinked at his continued perusal, looking at him closer.

“Sir...are you okay?” she asked, her brow furrowing in concern.

He went to say something. To lie and tell her that yeah he was fine, but his mouth was too dry and he couldn’t get any words out let alone words of assurance.

He didn’t say anything, just got to his feet, feeling his muscles protest as he helped her to her feet. He would never admit to the shaking, but he felt it. He clenched his hand into a fist, moving to the fire extinguisher and distracting himself with putting out her smoking lab bench that was completely mangled from the explosion, bits of the power device she had been working on burned out and in clumps of metal around her lab.

“Sir, if you hadn’t pushed me out of the way...” She began, trailing off.

He chose to ignore her. He couldn’t think of the almost consequences. The flickering images of her dead face were still too new in his memories to think about it.

He had lost her.

“Let’s just move on, Carter.” He replied after a moment, gruffly, just as people started to swarm into the room, running to help...

*************

 

Jack moved listlessly towards his office from the infirmary. Both he and Carter had checked out as perfectly fine, but, he knew he wasn’t. Physically yeah, but, he was so irreparably screwed up mentally he doubted he could ever be the same. Ever look at _her_ the same.

Now he knew why the device had been left behind on P3x-whatever.

This wasn’t something that a normal person could live with. People always wanted to change the things in their lives that were undesirable. 

He would just stuff the bad memories into the box at the back of his head with all the other bad memories he housed. The device was too much of a temptation. It would end up destroying a person rather than help them. It was like a slow-suicide device. Use it if you want to kill yourself in increments.

“Sir!” He turned before he could think to ignore her voice, surprised still to see her alive and well _after_ her lab exploded. He couldn’t react like he was seeing a ghost every time he saw her, but, he hadn’t worked out how to stop that reaction yet.

He would though.

“Something you want Carter?” he asked after clearing his throat and swallowing.

“Yes Sir I wanted to...” She trailed off as she took in his appearance, dishevelled and tired. He had been awake for what felt like an eternity and he knew she would see that in his eyes.

“You look different.” She said after a moment of silent perusal, eyes scanning his face, trying to figure out the difference she could see but couldn’t pinpoint.

“Carter, your lab just exploded.” He said, trying to get the attention off himself. She shook her head and narrowed her eyes, taking half a step closer.

“Something is different.” She said, frowning, ignoring his words.

“An explosion will do that to a person. Heat. Big bang...”

“No it’s something else...” she assessed him for a few more minutes before seeming to come to a conclusion.

“You look older.” She said decidedly.

He cringed under her scrutiny, knowing that she never missed a damn thing.

“You _do_ realise that I’m your Commanding Officer right? I think you have to practise the sucking up thing a little more. Insults will get you nowhere.” He said, trying to come across as his usual self and not the tortured, haunted, husk of a man that he felt like.

“I’m sorry Sir, I didn’t mean that as an insult...” She said, backing off, looking chastised.

“Yes well, us old people tend to hate hearing we look _older._ ”

She bowed her head at his condescending words, the haunted look in his expression driving her concern. He turned and went back into his office, closing the door before he let his emotions fall out. He took a deep, shuddering breath, then, he reopened the door, catching her as she went to turn away.

“Carter...wait...” She turned warily, waiting for him to speak, her jaw tight with concern for him, fatigue clear in her eyes.

“You don’t have to justify Sir. I shouldn’t have been so frank with you. I was just concerned.” She said in a mechanical, military tone, standing up a little straighter, back rigid, the white strip of bandage on her forehead not taking away from the regimented expression on her face.

He wanted to tell her that he loved her. That he couldn’t live without her, but he couldn’t. All he had witnessed, seeing her die over again, it had changed him. He couldn’t say it. He felt like he had lost her despite the fact that he had finally managed to save her life and she was standing right here before him.

Maybe he hadn’t ended up losing her, but he could feel that he had lost a part of himself. Something that wasn’t as obvious as a few extra white hairs mixed in with the grey and a few extra lines on his face.

“I want that device...the time one...sent up to me ASAP. I think it’s in Daniel’s office...from where he was translating it...” he said, changing the subject. Her brow furrowed.

“I thought I had a week...” she began to say, but something in his expression must have stilted her protest.

“Sir, has something...happened?” she ventured.

“Nothing that hasn’t been dealt with. Have someone send the device up to me.”

She looked at him a little longer than before, as if trying to figure him out. He felt like she could see through him and knew then, as her eyes widened, that he shouldn’t have asked _her_ to send it up.

She had put two and two together. The fact that he looked older and the fact that the device prematurely aged the user.

“Sir...what did you do?” she asked in breathy amazement and shock. He pinned her with a serious, stern look.

“Sam...don’t...” he said, the emotion he had tried to keep hidden creeping into his eyes, his expression tormented, voice strained. He turned back away from her and walked back into his office, shutting the door, ignoring his heart that thudded painfully in his chest at the remembered fear and grief that was still wrapped around him, expanding like a slow explosion in his chest cavity.

Flashes of her eyes, laden with fear and regret and pain assailed him as he stood there with his eyes closed. He opened them, straining to control the images. He heard her whispered words of love before she had succumbed, tearing at his insides until he could hardly think beyond what he could see and hear from his unwanted memories. Something that hadn’t technically happened. Like a nightmare he couldn’t shake even though he was sure it wasn’t real.

He was broken...

 

*******************************

 

Jack stood alone in his back yard, staring upwards at the expanse of night sky above him, oblivious to the crisp evening air. He stood in silent contemplation, his thoughts surrounding one thing.

The device that was held loosely in his hand, flipped over and over without thought.

He felt her presence more than heard it as she came up to stand beside him, silently, seeming to know that words would mean nothing at that specific moment.

They stood there like that for a long time, until he felt his legs protest the lack of movement. He was still so very much caught up in his grief. In the image he couldn’t shake of her dying in that explosion.

He knew the truth. He had sacrificed everything to save her, even though she would have told him that changing the past could alter the future in unforseen ways. That no one had the right to mess with that kind of thing. Have that kind of power over everything and everyone.

She would be right. But she didn’t say it. He knew she knew what he had done. She didn’t know why. Didn’t know his motivations for using the device, but she knew he had used it.

He wouldn’t speak the details.

She was waiting. Waiting for him to say something. Waiting because she knew that he wouldn’t open himself up if she pushed the issue.

They weren’t subordinate and CO right now.

They were just two people standing side by side in a back yard, staring up at the sky.

“People aren’t supposed to be able to relive and _‘fix’_ the past.” He spoke, his voice sounding strange as it broke through the long silence. He felt like he was breaking some code by speaking.

“You can’t just hit rewind every time life throws you something you don’t like. But, if I was given the choice, the side effects wouldn’t stop me. I would use it again...and again...to save you.” He continued, his words softly spoken but sounding so loud.

He turned to her then, still flipping the device over and over in his hand. “It needs to be destroyed.”

He offered it to her in a show of trust, their eyes locking over the device. He didn’t deny what he had done. He didn’t make it seem any less significant than she already knew it was. It was what it was.

She took the device slowly from his hand, keeping her eyes on his. She nodded and he knew she would take care of it.

She turned and walked towards his house and he stayed where he was, slipping his hands into his pockets and gazing upwards once more, the moments of silence with her helping to eradicate the images that had seared themselves to his conscious mind.

“If you want to talk...” She began from behind him, her words trailing back to silence.

He looked down then, taking a steadying breath.

“Some things are better left unsaid.” He replied softly, knowing she heard him. A lot of things went unsaid between them. But it was always about her. She knew that. Somehow, she knew.

He felt the moment she left.

He would rather sacrifice a few years off his own life to have her safe than have to live those years –the rest of _his_ life- without her.

He had outlived his son. He hadn’t been worthy of that, so who was he to outlive Samantha Carter?

She was the prodigy. The special one. She was important...to him.

He had only proven that by his actions.

Actions that had been like a vow of love seeing as she alone knew what he had done. The lengths he had gone to ensure her life.

He knew for certain now. Knew the truth because he had been willing to relive that devastating moment a thousand times over to save her at the risk of deterioration to his own health.

He wasn’t sure that it was such a noble thing anyway, because there was some selfish motivations in his actions. He knew that losing her would be the one thing that would succeed in breaking him completely. He knew that he would have never survived her loss.

He had been saving himself as well as her, but, he knew, she would always come above him. Always.

One day maybe he would tell her what had happened, explain the details of what had transpired on this day.

He would tell her as he held her, his admittance soft in the darkness. He would make sure that she didn’t see his eyes. Would tell her and forget. But for now, he would just revel in the fact that she _lived_.

He would open the box of his grief to her when the time came, tell her about his son, tell her about his past...and he would tell her about the time, long ago, when he had gazed into her unseeing eyes, and seen a blue the likes of which he had never seen before nor wanted to ever see again.

The time would come, and every moment lost would be replenished...

fin. 


End file.
